“We love because he first loved us.” – 1 John 4:19

In the past year, I have revolutionized my perspective on friendships. After navigating seasons of isolation, disappointment, and anxiety in my relationships, the insights I’ve gained will serve me for the rest of my life. If you’ve been through a similar situation, I hope you find my story encouraging.

Fall: Isolation

If I could do anything differently, I would be more intentional about growing my friendships and connection with my church community. Caught up with the busyness of school and work, I failed to prioritize my relationships. By the end of the semester, I felt a void. One Thursday evening in November, my friend caught me leaving my International Relations recitation while she was on her way to our church’s weekly student gathering. She insisted that I go with her, and I’m glad she did. We had a laughter-filled, life-giving conversation about the meaning of true freedom. Unfortunately, there was only one meeting left. Belatedly, I realized what I was missing out on: A whole semester of shared memories and invaluable nuggets of wisdom.

More proactively pursuing these connections would’ve saved me some pain. Without a strong community, I was left alone with my thoughts and fears. Ecclesiastes 4:10 comes to mind: “If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.” I needed encouragement, but didn’t ask for it early enough because my pride kept me from being vulnerable. Despite these challenges, I am grateful that this season encouraged me to lean more on God.

Spring: Reconnection

The second semester, I resolved to be more proactive in connecting with people. I consistently attended small groups at church and regularly initiated hangouts to deepen friendships and make new ones. While this improved my sense of belonging, how I approached these relationships revealed a deeper issue. I overanalyzed interactions and took things personally when things didn’t work out or people didn’t reciprocate as I had hoped. I was allowing the way people treated me to affect the way I felt about myself. I was afraid of feeling hurt again. It exposed insecurities that I had to let go of to move forward. 

What Changed?

I decided to be more vulnerable about my struggles and went to the mentors at my church for support. They helped me counter the narratives I let live in my head for so long. For example, one staff member gave me a resource about cognitive distortions, which helped me understand and challenge faulty thinking patterns. I realized that I had been overlooking the positives of my relationships and decided to be more intentional about practicing gratitude. Instead of dwelling on the times I felt neglected, I focused on the ways that people were showing up for me. I wrote examples of them down as ammunition against the lies that no one cared. Jennie Allen’s books Find Your People and Get Out of Your Head encouraged me to continue initiating despite disappointment and get over my self-doubt. Praying for contentment gave me more agency, as I focused more on myself and the experiences I wanted to create, not the experiences I wanted other people to give me. While genuine relationships add joy to my life, I have to remind myself that they aren’t the source of ultimate fulfilment.

Going Forward

This journey has confronted me with the question of what it would look like to love more selflessly. I am embracing the truth that “love keeps no record of wrongs” (1 Corinthians 13:5). Forgiveness is key to becoming a better friend. Also, recognizing my own shortcomings keeps my pride in check and motivates me to give grace. By letting the petty things go, I’ve gained peace, which is priceless. 

After everything I’ve learned, I’m more optimistic than fearful about the future of my friendships. Last fall, a friend and I had a great conversation over dinner, and I still remember the encouraging words she left me with. She said something along the lines of “There are so many people waiting to appreciate you.” I believe her, and I believe it for you, too.